those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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