I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
