she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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