I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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