I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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