you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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