even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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