Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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