I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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