Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
