from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
