so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
