drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
