I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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