I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dignity is for republicans.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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