Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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