6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
