I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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