1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
