On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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