two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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