my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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