you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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