It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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