tonight lets celebrate not being married
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
