My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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