dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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