it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
