I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
