I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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