do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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