I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
