We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
