I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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