My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
