My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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