So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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