worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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