why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize