Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
