I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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