Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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