she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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