just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
