Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
