too bad you live with your parents still
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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