I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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