did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
