If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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