Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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