What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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