he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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