i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Randomize
