Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
