You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
