He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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