I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
