I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize