I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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