You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
