Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
