just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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