i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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