You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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