were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
