My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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