Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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