its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
